Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
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Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
same bro
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*