Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
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“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”