[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
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“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
lol
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.