I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
You Might Also Like
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Proctology is located in A55