But that’s none of my business
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My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.