The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
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Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
my dog when i have a friend over
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.