Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
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Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
meow
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
That’s fair
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!