Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
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Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad