If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
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ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I鈥檓 wondering why the hell I鈥檓 not.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
My parents didn鈥檛 raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Great acting.. 馃槀
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Justin Timberlake: I鈥檓 bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid鈥檚 candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald鈥檚 apple pie I had in 1999
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose