Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
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No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?