some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
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Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that