“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
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*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.