[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
You Might Also Like
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Tough love is true love
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Worlds greatest photobomb
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.