It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
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[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
May have had one breakfast too many
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.