Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
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Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
*limbos under the caution tape
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
OH. COME. ON.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Twitter is an abusement park.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020