“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
You Might Also Like
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.