Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
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Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
LOOOOOOL
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
My blood type is coffee.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this