People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
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Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!