Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
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Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long