Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
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Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
asked my bf how work was today
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
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I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?