If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
You Might Also Like
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
my astrological sign is a french fry
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.