Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
You Might Also Like
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD