My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
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I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
“you changed” bro i was 15
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.