When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
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God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack