My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
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First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.