In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
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don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Damn he played himself
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.