Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
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if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Born to be mild.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.