HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
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Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
CRYING
Just this preview of the story is enough
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Found the job I’m suited for
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.