I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
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Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.