[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
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I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift