Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
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Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Barbie gone wild
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview