manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
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My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Oh. My. God.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.