ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
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ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.