Hmm, not sure about this change
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So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
won’t smith
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Krampus.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
(True)
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.