friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
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Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.