What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
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Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
You deplete me
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour