Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
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Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Buck naked
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”