Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
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*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
#Caturday
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Me driving through Toronto
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.