You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
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Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
lol
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.