I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
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Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
My circle of trust is a meatball
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Try and stop me.
Print is alive and well!!!
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Meow
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.