Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
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I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
That de-escalated quickly
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3