[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
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it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”