I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
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Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
can’t bark with your mouth full
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.