just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
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Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.