This bar smells like my childhood.
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I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
no cat here
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
This has made my week.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.