Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
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Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?