Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
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Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK