No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
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Every house has this drawer
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.