I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
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“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”