Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
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*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Overindulged this afternoon.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
i actually laughed 😩
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.